KBC WID SANTA SINGH GUD 1

With Santa Singh


The Story So Far?
Santa Singh has answered 12 out of the 15 questions correct and has used all his lifelines except for 50-50 and Phone a Friend. Santa Singh is playing the 13 ^th Question now which is for 25 Lacs. Lets see what happens next? J

Amitabh Bachchan: Apka 13 ^th question 25 lakh ke liye, yeh raha aapke saamne aapki Computer Screen par? Santa Singh gets Tense?

Amitabh Bachchan: Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan? Your options are?

Amitabh Bachchan: To Santa Singh Jee kya Jawaab hai aapka? [He is quite sure that Santa will opt for option A]

But Santa is surprisingly still confused?

Amitabh Bachchan: Aapke paas abhi bhi do life line baaki hai, 50-50 and phone a friend. Agar aap chahe to unhe use kar sakte hain. Wo aap hi ke liye banaayi gayee hai.

Santa Singh: I think it is A, but I am not sure.

Amitabh Bachchan: Not sure, Hmmm? Aap kya karna chahenge?

Santa Singh: I would like to use 50-50?

Amitabh Bachchan: Ok Computer Jee, Kripya 2 galat javab mita deejiye?

Computer deletes two names, and leaves the following options:





Now Amitabh Bachchan gets confused and worriedly thinks if the Computer is actually right or has got some bug!. Santa Singh gets all the more Confused after the 50-50 Lifeline?

Santa Singh: I would like to use my last life line too - Phone A Friend?

Amitabh Bachchan: Aap kisse baat karna chahenge!?

Santa Singh: Main aapki Misej [Mrs.] Jaya Bachan Ji ko phone karna chahoonga...

Amitabh Bachchan Faints !!! But the Call gets connected to Jaya Bachchan [Thanks to AirTel J ]

Santa Singh: "Jayaji, Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan!??

Jaya Bachchan: What are the options !?!?

Hearing this Santa Singh faints too!!!!!!!!

SASTEY----

Ek aadmi ki 6 ungliyan(6 fingers) hoti hain... sab log use "Hanuman" bulate hain... kyun???

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Ans:kyounki uska nam hanuman hota hai!

what is PJ???

phaltu joke..

what is P+iJ ???

complex phaltu joke...

why dont we laugh on a it???

coz the joke part is imaginary!!!

Whats the opposite of Real??

Its COCONUT....

Y....Socho...???

Becuase it is 'Na-Real'

i'll write a book an pjs and dedicate it to whom? our president....why

scroll down for answer

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

coz he is mr. a.P.J.abdul kalam

what is the vector form of sridevi????

???

?

?

?

?

ANS : - TABU!!!!

confused???? why????

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

ok i'l tell you...

.

.

.

. because.

.

.

.

.

.

. sridevi did chandni and tabu did chandni bar!!!!!

What would Dharmendra say to Hema Malini if he wants to tell her to call

him up...?

:...

:...

:...

:...

:

:

:

:

:

:

:

:

:...

:.....

:...

:...

:...

:...

:

:...

:...

:

:...

:...

:...

:...

:...

:.....

:...

:...

:...

:...

:

:...

:...

:

:

Ring De Basanti :))

A dentist was examining a patient having a highly contageous deadly disease....

As soon he opens the patients mouth the disease gets transferred to the doctor... how??

scroll

...Because the patient had a bluetooth!!

wat is one word in english for kiye karaye par paani ferna??

flush!!

three cockroaches were going on the road, suddenly one of them started singing the song -- AASHIQ BANAYA AAPNE.

Few mins later, all the three cockroaches died......any idea why?????

COZ the song is HIT......

SASTI SHAYERI....RELE SADD

EK sher BY doctor=Hoon mai doctor jahan,meri wife hai nurse waha,Yeh kaisa julm sehna PADTA hai,mujhe apni wife ko SISTER KEHNA PADTA hai..



Jo sagar ne kaha lehron se, Jo ped ne kaha patto se, jo phoolon ne kaha kaliyon se, wohi main tumhe kehta hun, aey chal chal hawa aane de




Imraan Hashmi Ne Apni Girlfriend Ko Pehle Apna AASHIQ BANAYA Phir Usne CHOCOLATE Main ZEHER Milakar Uska MURDER Karvaya.Girlfriend Ne Uske AKSAR Khwaab Me Aakar Kaha TUM SA NAHI DEKHA To Imraan Hashmi Ne Kaha Is KALYUG Me JAWANI DIWANI Hai.



HAR KHUSI KO TERI TARAF MOD DENGE, TERE LIYE CHAND TARE TOD DENGE, TERE LIYE KHUSIYON KE DARVAAJE KHOL DENGE, 1 BAAR HAS KE TO DIKHA TERE SAARE DAAT TOD DENGE HA..HA..HA..




ek aishwaarya thi deewani si shahrukh pe wo marti thi, najre jhukake,sharma ke hritik ki galiyo se gujarti thi, chori chori salman ko chittiya likha karti thi kuch kahena tha shayad ajay se par na jane kis se darti thi jab bhi milti thi vivek se hamesha pucha karti thi imran kaisa hai




Basanti: Bhaag Dhanno bhag, aaj teri Basanti ki izzat ka sawal hai. Dhanno: Tujhe apni padi hai. Meri soch jiske peeche Gabbar ke 10 ghode pade hain




Jab hota hai tera didar,Dil dhadkta hai baar-baar Jab hota hai tera didar,Dil dhadkta hai baar-baar .....Aadat se majboor ho tum jane kab maang lo udhaar




Gulaab ko bhi Kamal bana deter,Uski ek ada pe kai gazal bana dete...Kambhakt marti nahi mujh par ladkiyaan,Warna LUCKNOW me bhi TAJMAHAL bana dete...



Aaj kuch gahbraye se lagte ho,Thand mein kampkapaye se lagte ho... Nikhar kar aayi hai surat aapki,Bahut dino baad nahaye se lagte ho...Good Morning...




Girlfriend Ko I LUV U Bolna Hai? Balance Khatam ? Ab Kya Karoge ? Kabutar K Gale Mein Bandh K CHITTHI Bhejoge ? Nahi Na.......... Main Batata Hoon Kya Karna Hai.... Girlfriend Ka Number Mujhe De Doge Main I LUV U Boldeta Hoon!




hamari tumahari dosti duniya ke liye ek mishl hai tumhe dekha to esa laga kya mal hai is mal ko pane ke liye bichaya jal hai pa kambhakat collage ka akhiri sal hai




I l I lo I lov I love I love you... I love you the most. I love you the best. I love you a lot.. Bcoz MENAKA GANDHI said People should LOVE animals




Ladkiyon ke college me strike thi,Ladke bhi unke saath the..Ladkiyon ne naara lagaya...HUMARI MAANGE Pichhe se awaaz aayi SINDHUR SE BHARO....



Gunghat Mein Tujhe Dekha To Deewanna Hua, Sangeet Ka Taraana Hua, Shamaa Ka Parwana Hua, Masti Ka mastaana Hua, Jaise Hi Gunghat Uthaya Is Duniya Se Ravana Hua



Chand pe kali ghata to aati to hogi,Sitaaron ko muskurahat aati to hogi.Tum laakh chupao duniya se magar,Akele me tumhe apni shakal pe hansi aati to hogi....

BEST MAHA THASS I HAVE HEARD

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2
cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette.
You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How
will you do it?


Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will
become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other cigarette
another deadly answer. scroll down a little


Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win
Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette


If that was not enough, one more deadly answer..



Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP)
"TIP TIP barsa Pani.
Pani ne aag lagayee."
us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee".

One more ::

luk at 1 of da cigarettes very carefully wid luv in ur eyes....da other 1 will burn(jal jayegi cos of jeleousy)

one last:

borrow a match from da boat next to u u dumbo

haha . .. if u read it till here .. .den . .i wud say thxx. . . we are on da same wavelength m sureee. . . . lol

THE ELEPHANT AND DA BANANA . .. . .

THERE IS A BANANA IN FRONT OF AN ELEPHANT BUT HE DIDNT EAT IT ....WHY ? ? ? ?? ? ?

ANSWERS

1. BECOS DA BANANA WAS MADE OF PLASTIC
2. DA ELEPHANT WAS MADE OF PLASTIC
3. THEY WERE BOTH MADE OF PLASTIC
4. DA ELEPHANT WAS BLIND
5. DA BANANA WAS ON DA TOP OF A TREE
6. DA BANANA WAS SADA HUA
7. DA ELPHANTS MOM HAD TOLD HIM NOT TO EAT EM
8. HE HAD DIARRHEOA
9. HE ALREADY HAD 2 BANANAS IN HIS MOUTH
10. HE WAS A BABY AND DINT HAVE TEETH
11. THERE WAS A SAINT GOBAIN GLASS B/W THEM
12. HE WAS STANDING ON TOP OF A MULTI STORY BUILDING SO HE CUDNT C IT FROM THERE
13. IT WAS DARK AS IT WAS NITE
14. A FEMALE ELEPHHANT JUST WALKED PASSED IN A MINI SKIRT AND HE GOT DISTRACTED
15. U RAN AWAY WID DA BANANA B4 HE CUD GET TO IT
16. USKA KARVA CHAUTH KA VRAT THA
17. HE HAD JUST SEEN A MOVIE WHERE HE READ DA FOLLOING MSG "dnt touch ne unknown object it might b a bomb"
18. HE WAS TOO LAZY TO WALK UPTO IT
19. how wud i noe i wasnt there
20. HE THOUGHT IT MIGHT B A MIRAGE

TURN ONS AND OFFS FOR UR ZODIACS

> Aries
>
>
>
>
> Turn ons
>
>
> Aries are naturally active and vibrant people and they have affinity for
>such people too . You will have to increase your pace to be in step with
>them. Remember they leave tortoises and snails way behind without even
>glancing at them once. They like and appreciate frank and straightforward
>persons. With them you can be your true self that is no pretenses (but
>don`t try your luck being over frank-they are volatile). If you are in love
>with Ram then you have to show your enthusiasm in all there activities (you
>can always yawn later!).
>
>
>
> Turn offs
>
>
> Do not tell an Aries that s/he may be wrong lest you may stir a storm in
>a teacup. But instead do what you feel is right and of course do not take
>the credit for the work done well. Aries people are very faithful and
>passionate lovers. Do not give air to the smoldering fire within them by
>making them jealous. No flirtations or fooling around with others in their
>presence unless of course you wish to write your death wish (you will be
>granted!).
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Taurus
>
>
>
>
>
> Turn ons
>
>
> Stability and dependability characterize Taurus. They like people who
>can blend and grow with them. If you have a Taurus partner you should
>appreciate all things bright and beautiful. They have an inherent artistic
>sense and are fond of color and music. Judge the life with them from purely
>materialistic point of view. Enjoy everything luxurious that money can
>provide. Enjoy good food (better if you can cook to please them) and good
>drinks with them.
>
>
>
> Turn offs
>
>
> Taurus is very slow to anger (in fact you may spend the whole life with
>them and still no spark) but you should not push your luck too much. Being
>unreasonable or aggressive with them may get you into trouble. Do not press
>him into a corner and if you do be prepared for a violent rage. Taurus is
>capable of violent outbursts though this is on very rare occasions. If you
>have a roving eye forget it because Taurus have can take the cake when it
>comes to being possessive. They can be suffocating when being possessive
>about you.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Gemini
>
>
>
>
>
> Turn ons
>
>
> Gemini is a highly intellectual and versatile person. If you have a
>Gemini partner you have to match your wits with his wits to keep the zing
>in the relation. They want to be mentally stimulated so you have to be good
>in conversing. Your sense of humor will get you a permanent residence place
>in the heart of a Gemini. Be more communicative with them and if you are
>good in this then you will never know how hours pass by with you holding
>each other`s hand.
>
>
>
> Turn offs
>
>
> Gemini`s like to do many things at the same time so if unfortunately you
>are the types who is looking for stability you may get disappointed. Do not
>hold back a Gemini or you may lose him, as they are restless and need
>change in life constantly. You should try to adopt yourself with the
>ever-changing Gemini. Orthodox or conservative old fashion ideas are no-no
>in their dictionary. Change with the ever-changing Gemini and do not flow
>against the current.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Cancer
>
>
>
>
>
> Turn ons
>
>
> Try to adapt yourself with the changing moods of the Cancer. At one
>moment they may be laughing and enjoying and in another moment they may cry
>or sulk. You may have to adjust with the moody and sensitive Cancer. They
>are like the tides in the ocean always fluctuating. Cancer people love food
>so if you know how to cook and can be poetic and romantic (added Bonus)
>then you know the way to their heart.
>
>
>
> Turn offs
>
>
> Cancerians are very sensitive people and can get easily hurt. So do not
>play with their emotions and sentiments. They are like tides that can take
>you with it. They form emotional bonds with even inanimate things too so do
>not ask them to discard old caps or souvenirs these things hold special
>meaning to them. You have to realize that the crabs have soft heart and are
>vulnerable. Do not contradict their tested line of thought and action it
>would only lead to confusion.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Leo
>
>
>
>
>
> Turn ons
>
>
> If you have Leo partner respect him and his majestic manners. Accept the
>advice of Leo, the lion, as he is the king of the jungle. It is the sign of
>a showman so if your partner does everything in grand style enjoy it. Do
>lavish Leo`s frequently with compliments and see them purr like a cat. They
>fall easily for flattery and want to be center of attraction of all eyes
>(sometimes they can be quiet theatrical too).
>
>
>
> Turn offs
>
>
> Never ever hurt the ego of a Leo. Pride, ego and vanity are some of the
>bags all Leo`s always carry with them. Do not touch these bags. An
>authoritative Leo is even more difficult to handle in such circumstances.
>Leo is a sunny sign so they do not like people who are gloomy or depressed.
>Even if you are crying at heart keep a sunny smile on your lips and then
>let lion take the charge and remove all worries from your life.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Virgo
>
>
>
>
>
> Turn ons
>
>
> Virgo`s are very methodical and have great sense of duty but are blind
>to their own faults so if you have a Virgo partner emphasize more on their
>qualities (as it is they are not going to accept). Take keen interest in
>what they are doing and you will realize that they will go out of their way
>to help you. Do rely and appreciate their mental powers than physical
>powers. They can turn even an unsuccessful venture into a success.
>
>
>
> Turn offs
>
>
> Do not push a Virgo into limelight or on the center stage unless of
>course they do so on there own. They are shy and reserved by nature and do
>not like to be cynosure of all eyes. Virgo`s have a secrets that virtuous
>as they are would not like to come out in open so even if you have the key
>to their secret skeleton closet hide it do not admit even that you know
>anything about it. Virgo, the virgins, does not want to tarnish their
>public image.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Libra
>
>
>
>
>
> Turn ons
>
>
> Libra needs peace and harmony in all their relationship so help them
>maintain that. Venus the ruling planet gives them beauty and they have
>weakness for people who can compliment them about their beauty (you will
>not have to make an effort to do that anyway). You can help Libra seek
>union and partnership in life. If you have Libra partner you can be sure to
>share beautiful and pleasurable moments together.
>
>
>
> Turn offs
>
>
> Libra is kind and gentle soul but very argumentative. Hence do not start
>an argument or discussion unless of course you are free and do not know how
>to pass your time. They hate to lose and most probably in between of
>discussion they may change their side too (remember scales can tilt) and
>still continue arguing from other side. Do not push your Libra partner into
>making decisions. They will keep weighing pros and cons and may still not
>be able to come to any decision. Have patience!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Scorpio
>
>
>
>
>
> Turn ons
>
>
> Scorpio`s are full of passion and zest for life. They have tremendous
>drive that can involve you too. Tune in to their wavelength and you can
>enjoy the harmony and music in life with them. Scorpio`s are loyal and
>never forget a kind deed done by you. If you want to enjoy life with your
>Scorpio lover share their passion and intensity and you will be fascinated
>by how beautiful life can be with them.
>
>
>
> Turn offs
>
>
> Scorpio`s are very passionate and intense but they are also fiercely
>possessive and would like to possess your mind, body and soul. Do not let
>seeds of jealousy grow in them because then you may have to suffer agonies
>of jealousy and discontentment in life. Scorpio`s have explosive tempers be
>careful how you handle them. They never let anyone know what is going on in
>their mind till they strike and you may be caught unawares. Do not flirt
>around in the presence of your Scorpio lover.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Sagittarius
>
>
>
>
>
> Turn ons
>
>
> Sagittarius is basically a happy go lucky kind. You can enjoy with their
>zest and enthusiasm in life. They can bubble with excitement that can be
>tangible at times. And if you share same interests and hobbies then life
>can be great fun together. They are frank and straightforward so if you
>want some truthful opinion about anything or anyone goes to them. Be
>optimistic as they are and view life as glass half full.
>
>
>
> Turn offs
>
>
> Sagittarius is fiercely independent and cannot tolerate restriction
>hence do not try to hold them back in life. Let them enjoy their freedom
>because if you hold any special place in their heart they will always come
>back for you. Do not feel irritated by the exaggeration in their speech.
>They may go on and on talking about certain things that may not even
>interest you but it is their way of trying to communicate with you. They
>are basically frank and outspoken (to the point of being rude) so do not
>feel offended by their talks.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Capricorn
>
>
>
>
>
> Turn ons
>
>
> Capricorn are strong and dependable hence if you want to put your money
>on anyone it is of course this zodiac sign no matter how many difficulties
>(that incidentally are many) The goat has to undertake to achieve the
>goals. They are practical and conservative in their outlook and they expect
>you to blend in their color. They set certain standards for themselves in
>their life and they will always try to maintain those standards. For them
>social status and image is very important in life.
>
>
>
> Turn offs
>
>
> Do not expect a Capricorn mate to open their heart and pour everything
>to you. They are very secretive and reserved people. They are very thorough
>in all their affairs and hate any kind of sloppiness. Capricorn is very
>tightfisted and economical. Do not expect lavish gifts from them and if
>they do give you any gift (that is very rare) it will have some practical
>use (no romance please) but that does not mean you will be deprived of
>anything on the contrary you will be well provided.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Aquarius
>
>
>
>
>
> Turn ons
>
>
> Aquarius are friendly and fascinating people. They have in-depth
>knowledge about various subjects and you can converse with them for hours
>without getting bored. They are capable of giving a lot of love that can be
>amazing. They have very broad outlook about life and you can relax in their
>presence. They will always welcome your ideas and actions about
>humanitarian causes. To keep an Aquarians lover interested you must possess
>that mysterious and intriguing quality. Once hooked they will always be
>very faithful to you.
>
>
>
> Turn offs
>
>
> Do not expect or plan a normal, simple and predictable life with an
>Aquarius partner. Aquarius people are totally unpredictable. They can go to
>any direction without giving any advance notice. They are basically very
>restless and get very easily bored. Though they are very friendly but do
>not expect them to reveal their inner most feelings to you (they will
>never). They can be very detached and impersonal that you may find very
>strange. Do not be surprised by this unpredictable quality that may crop up
>often
>
>
>
>
>
> Pisces
>
>
>
>
>
> Turn ons
>
>
> Pisces are very sensitive and charming people. If you are looking for
>someone who is understanding and can understand your feelings then you have
>met the right person. You should appreciate their feelings too and in the
>time when you need them they will help you. Pisces have keenly developed
>sixth sense and have great intuitive powers. Their hunches may usually be
>on the mark. But they can exhaust their physical and mental energies. They
>are born dreamers and you can build palaces with your dream lover (only in
>real life it may become a little difficult preposition).
>
>
>
> Turn offs
>
>
> Pisces are dreamers and you should not expect them to have worldly
>ambitions. They are not materialistic in nature. It is not that they like
>living below the poverty line but they have no earnest desire to accumulate
>wealth. They are very sensitive and you have to be always careful about
>their feelings. The fishes are capable of drowning you in their tears (even
>men born under this sign). Pisces people are very intuitive but do not
>depend on them to make decision on important matters
>

MSN NIKS MADE TO IMPRESS AND ORDER

1. Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
2. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
3. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.
4. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
5. I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
6. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
7. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus.
8. Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.
9. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
10. The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet.
11. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
12. Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.
13. She Who MUST be obeyed
14. Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.
15. I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check.
16. When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.
17. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
18. My reality check bounced.
19. I love my cat. My cat does not care.
20. If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
21. My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.
22. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
23. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
24. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
25. Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.
26. Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail.
27. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.
28. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
29. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
30. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
32. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
33. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
34. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
36. Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
37. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
38. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
39. What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it’s all about?
40. Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.
41. Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?
42. And your cry baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
43. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
44. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
45. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
46. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
47. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
48. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
49. No one pays attention until you make a mistake.
50. Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk.
51. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
52. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
53. Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS.
54. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
55. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
56. What am I? Fly paper for freaks?
57. I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.
58. If I save time, when do I get it back?
59. A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.
60. Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
61. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
62. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.
63. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
64. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
65. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
66. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
67. I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
68. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
69. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
70. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
71. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
72. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
73. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
74. If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.
75. Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
76. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
77. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
78. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
79. Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
80. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
81. Are you sure I’m (age)? I want a recount!
82. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
83. Born free. Taxed to death.
84. If “pro” is the opposite of “con,” is progress the opposite of congress?
85. All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.
86. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
87. Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.
88. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
89. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
90. The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine!
91. Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.
92. Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.
93. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
94. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
95. One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
96. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
97. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.
98. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
99. Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
100. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
101. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
102. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
103. Life is too short. Don't be a jerk.
104. Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner.
105. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
106. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
107. Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
108. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...?
109. Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
110. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
111. Women have PMS. Men have ESPN.
112. Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.
113. Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.
114. Who do you want to talk to: 1) the man is charge or 2) the woman who really knows what’s going on?
115. If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I’m living in the pits!
116. Barney sucks.
117. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
118. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
119. If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I’m not going.
120. If you scratch your rear, don’t bite your fingernails.
121. Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money.
122. If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement.
123. Fart in church, and you’ll sit in own pew.
124. Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.
125. It’s not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It’s the jerks.
126. I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t have it.
127. People who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crocks. People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists.
128. Once you’ve climbed the ladder of success, you’re over the hill.
129. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
130. There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.
131. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
132. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.
133. Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.
134. Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.
135. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
136. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
137. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
138. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.
139. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
140. Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. .
141. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
142. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
143. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, it’s too dark to read.
144. I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.
145. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
146. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
147. I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.
148. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
149. The screw up fairy has visited us again.
150. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care.
151. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
152. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
153. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
154. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
155. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
156. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
157. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
158. Can I trade my job for what's behind door #1?
159. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
160. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here.
161. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
162. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
163. When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)
164. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
165. To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.
166. Constant change is here to stay.
167. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
168. Don’t be old until you have lived!
169. Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today’s good stuff.
170. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
171. Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!
172. Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

BASELESS\TASTELESS BUT MEANINGFUL JOKES!!

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?""Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?""You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here.""I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."


Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."


The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."


A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."


A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"


A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."


One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"


One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"


A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"

BLONDE JOKES

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"


A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"


A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."


A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"


A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"
There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"


A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"


Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"


A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."The cashier leaned over the counter and said:"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"


What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo...A blonde says any-cock-le-doo...


A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"


Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."


A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....
Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."
At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.
Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."
Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".


Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.


There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"


A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"